On What to Do When the Going Gets Rough

Frank Ostaseski

Wisdom Collection

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Caregiving from a Buddhist perspective is a recognition that this person’s suffering is also my suffering. When I see this, whether I’m the person in the bed or the person making the bed, I have to confront this precariousness. Buddhist practice can help us enormously in continuing to give our attention to what’s actually appearing, as opposed to being swept away by the drama of the process. What are the basic attitudes that might be helpful in being with someone who is dying? One of those that comes to mind is to be completely ourselves. That means to bring our strength and vulnerability to the bedside. And to recognize that people who are dying continue to need very intimate and natural and honest relationships. We can’t serve from a distance, this is intimate work and we have to be part of the equation so it is absolutely essential that we bring our entire selves to the experience. It’s important that we bring to the bedside the quality of empathy. This is maybe the greatest gift we can give another human being—our undivided attention. To listen without judgement or agendas. The great psychologist Carl Rogers once described empathy as “looking with fresh and unfrightened eyes.” I think that’s a wonderful way of thinking about how to be with someone. Also, simple human kindness. When people are sick, details matter. The manner in which we care for someone, the way in which we come forward to offer service, is incredibly important. How can we assist with the simple details? Holding the hand of a frightened patient, doing the laundry, helping someone fill out the insurance forms. Simple everyday activities offered with loving attention that convey acceptance, build trust, and enhance self-esteem. I would add “non-doing” to this list of helpful attitudes. To really have the confidence in our human presence. To slow down, and leave a lot of room for silence, to reduce distractions. Don’t miss this moment . . .

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