Spirit Rock Meditation Center is dedicated to the teachings of the Buddha. We provide silent meditation retreats, as well as classes, trainings, and Dharma study.
Filed in Vipassana, Mindfulness (sati)
Sticking with It
How to sustain your meditation practice
The author of this article, Vipassana teacher Sharon Salzberg, is currently leading the online retreat "Real Happiness." Watch the first week's video teaching on developing concentration here.
A friend invited me out to lunch one day and in the course of the meal offered the following confession: ‘‘I’ve been meditating for about three years now,” he said, “and I’d have to say honestly that my experience when I’m sitting isn’t what I thought it would be or should be. I still have ups and down; my mind wanders and I start over; I still have bouts of sleepiness or restlessness.
“But I’m like a completely different person now. I’m kinder and more patient with my family and friends, and with myself. I’m more involved with my community. I think more about the consequences of my actions, and about what habitual responses I bring to a situation. Is that enough?”
“Yeah,” I replied, beaming at him. “I think that’s enough.”
This is why we practice meditation—so that we can treat ourselves more compassionately; improve our relationships with friends, family, and community; live lives of greater connection; and, even in the face of challenges, stay in touch with what we really care about so we can act in ways that are consistent with our values.
One of the things I’ve always found so interesting about meditation practice is that the arena can seem so small—just you in a room—but the life lessons, the realizations and understandings that arise from it, can be pretty big.
The process is one of continually trying to greet our experience, whatever it is, with mindfulness, lovingkindness, and compassion; it helps us to realize that everything changes constantly and to be okay with that. The effort we make in meditation is a willingness to be open, to come close to what we have avoided, to be patient with ourselves and others, and to let go of our preconceptions, our projections, and our tendency not to live fully.
Meditation practice helps us relinquish old, painful habits; it challenges our assumptions about whether or not we deserve happiness. (We do, it tells us emphatically.) It also ignites a very potent energy in us. With a strong foundation in how to practice meditation, we can begin to live in a way that enables us to respect ourselves, to be calm rather than anxious, and to offer caring attention to others instead of being held back by notions of separation.
But even when you know that these benefits make meditation well worth the effort, it can be hard to keep up a new meditation practice. On the following pages you’ll find some suggestions for strengthening your commitment.
I used to feel, very early in my practice, that mindfulness was awaiting me somewhere out there; that it was going to take a lot of effort and determination, but somehow, someday, after a great deal of struggle, I was going to claim my moment of mindfulness— sort of like planting a flag at the top of a mountain.
My view of the matter was enlarged and my understanding transformed when I realized that mindfulness wasn’t inaccessible or remote; it was always right there with me. The moment I remembered it—the moment I noticed that I was forgetting to practice it—there it was! My mindfulness didn’t need to get better, or be as good as somebody else’s. It was already perfect. So is yours. But that truth is easily forgotten in the midst of our busy lives and complicated relationships. One reason we practice is to recall that truth, so that we can remember to be mindful more and more often throughout the day, and remember more naturally. Regular practice makes mindfulness a part of us.
Meditation is never one thing; you’ll experience moments of peace, moments of sadness, moments of joy, moments of anger, moments of sleepiness. The terrain changes constantly, but we tend to solidify it around the negative: “This painful experience is going to last the rest of my life.” The tendency to fixate on the negative is something we can approach mindfully; we can notice it, name it, observe it, test it, and dispel it, using the skills we learn in practice.
As you continue with your meditation practice, each session may be very different from the one that preceded it. Some sittings feel great, and some are painful, with an onslaught of all of the hindrances magnified. But these varied experiences are all part of our process. A difficult session is just as valuable as a pleasant one—maybe more so, because it holds more potential lessons. We can look mindfully at joy, sorrow, or anguish. It doesn’t matter what’s going on; transformation comes from changing our relationship to what’s going on.
I was recently teaching with the psychiatrist and author Mark Epstein. He told the class that since beginning his meditation practice in 1974, he’d tried to attend a retreat each year. And from the start he has kept a notebook in which he jots the most compelling insight of the retreat, along with the teacher’s single most illuminating, profound, or provocative statement. A few years ago, he told us, he decided to reread his notebook. He was startled to find that year after year, he’d recorded some variation of the same thing: “What arises in our experience is much less important than how we relate to what arises in our experience.”
Greetings--
I am just wondering if anyone has any additional strategies or suggestions to offer in terms of GETTING ONESELF TO THE CUSHION.
Thanks!
Just wanted to point out the one sentence that seemed to need revising: "Rereading those words may keep you going when sitting down to practice is the last thing you want to do."
Namaste ;)
As I have been learning how to do vipassana meditation it has been really helpful to learn that my thoughts are not getting in the way of my meditation. This idea of awareness has helped me understand that meditation is about knowing your mind intimately.
One of the inevitable aspects of our minds is that they have thoughts. What's great is if you don't let your thoughts carry you away, they can be the object of the meditation itself.
...And if you notice they are carrying you away, that's OK. Simply return your attention to your breath and see what comes up next.
"....mindfully eating a meal, feeding a baby or listening to the flow of sounds around us." So simple, so elegant and so challenging. Interesting that these are sensory experiences. I must be present to taste the food, feel the warmth of the baby and hear the sounds around me. Food for thought (pun intended). Thank you, Sharon.
So very grateful for this forum! Sometimes given just what you need when you need it by reading these posts. Grateful I am. How fortunate we are.
I am a novice practitioner who has not been disciplined enough to have the problems discussed above. This is in spite of the fact that I have noticed my attitudes towards/about others have changed. And I think this is due precisely to the fact that meditation teaches us (subtly perhaps but effectively nonetheless) to pause and reflect even if only for the minutest of moments before a reaction kicks in automatically.
So when I reflect on my undisciplined practice and the benefits I know I've derived from whatever my practice is, I just don't get why my motivation and enthusiasm waxes and wanes as it does. It almost seems like self-defeating or self-destructive behavior.
What would you (plural) recommend that would be helpful to me and others like me? thanks all!
p.s. just writing this caused me to renew my resolve to meditate - first thing the morning :)
Hi, avalmez!
I recently attended a retreat where the teachers said everybody thinks they are a poor meditator. The hardest thing to do is to not try to do anything!
I suspect there are no hard and fast answers to your question. As you experience whatever happens on the cushion and in everyday life, you learn that the more awake you are in those moments, the more you will be learning precisely what you need to be learning for practice and for life.
With Maitri, Linda
thanks a lot for you comments..greatly appreciated!
this is so fun..I don't quite have the technology down. I like the thought of visitors. sometimes I
just don't want to answer the door and sometimes I forget that I am the host. I work too hard and forget that the mind is pure.
The New York City subway is an ideal place to do metta practice!
Joycie,
What gets in the way of accepting these friends just as they are? I find that those times in my life, especially with friends and family, when I am confronted with aversion there is often something there that amounts to a projection of myself. If it is my issue as seen in the form of a friend who says something vapid or unskillful does this reflect upon them or upon me? It is part of the ever-changing panorama also. If we take the unacceptable remark as permanent or static that is in itself an unskillful method of dealing with the world. At the same time I can relate to your predicament. As we proceed in the practice our old friends sometimes relate to our old self. Establishing boundaries for yourself and asking for what you need currently can be a useful method for easing your friendships into more rewarding territory. Ultimately it is important to realize that all opinions are susceptible to revision and rethinking. Mine are no more infallible than my friend's or even my enemy's. We all want to be happy and be free of suffering. Doug
I appreciate your insightful comments, and understand what you say about projecting. As I continue to reflect on that, I do feel fear, that those same qualities reside in me as well. Whether these relationships remain or fall away is okay; I will use my aversions to check within, see what's going on, and where I am denying or holding on. Thanks for shedding the "light".
Joycie
@Joycie
I have battled with the same thing for a long time.
There are three ways of dealing with this as far as I know.
Firstly, by recognising that all emotions are perfect and pure as they are. Irritation is as pure a state as Love, and to allow oneself to feel these emotions is the most important thing. What we resist persist kind of thing. Plus, by judging oneself each time an 'unpleasant' emotion arises, simply exacerbates the matter more. By letting it be, allowing to just rest in its own nature, it dissolves of itself.
Secondly, the practice of ZERBU (bon buddhism) which is quite simply the action of 'nailing down' the things you like, the things you don't like, and the things you are indifferent to. This of course could mean any possible 'aversions' too ... as in an aversion to confrontation or whatever. If one is willing to 'go there' at least once, and remaining undisturbed then one decreases the chance of a similar situation arising again to "learn a lesson" as it were.
Thirdly, Zerbu and ONE TASTE are closely related of course. To be able to experience both 'pleasant' and 'unpleasant' experiences, emotions etc as "of same taste" or "equally pure" one overcomes aversion and attachment and relinquishes suffering as a result. BUT what people sometimes forget is that once something has been truly experienced as one taste .... DISCRIMINATING WISDOM can be happily engaged. When one knows one has nailed something down, tasted it as the one taste of purity, and it continues to manifest then one should have the Vajra Confidence in removing that aspect of ones reality in any way one wishes.
Buddhism is the last teaching that will ever espouse the whole 'suffering in silence' nonsense. If you are sure of your intentions and have done the 'zerbu' and 'one taste' checklist (lol) then one can happily engage fury provided one is prepared to deal with the consequences.
:)
I find that many long-time friendships have become difficult to maintain. I have been practicing for many years, and I feel I have grown in many ways, but I am very irritated with friends who think and spout angry, short sighted political ideas, et al. I don't understand how they can think the way they do, and I judge them for being selfish, greedy and yes, dumb. Do I work on letting go of these judgements (I have tried, to no avail) or do I simply let go of these friends, or both? I appreciate any comments on this matter. Thank you, Joycie
Relationships are messy complicated things - obviously :) I struggle with this type of friendship problem too. I think it's fine to use these friendships as a place of practice, if that's what you want them to be. I think there's little value, though, in trying to be friends with people that drive you batty or harbor destructive ideas. It's not unbuddhist to be assertive and set boundaries with people you're not feeling right about; you can still have compassion and patience for them, and exercise positive intentions with them (if only from a distance). Reflecting on your judgments and biases doesn't mean you have to pretend that everything's okay with these people, or that you can't make changes for yourself. After all, your judgments/biases will be with you wherever you go (and you'll always find a mirror to reflect them). It's also important to honor feelings of irritation, anger, discomfort with others. When I hear people saying really hurtful things, that's where I draw a line. I don't put up with violent or hateful beliefs. I need to speak up, not out of being right, but out of a need to advocate for something greater than myself - other people.
Joyce and Ramachrist:
This discussion is extremely relevant and helpful to me.
I recently had a falling out with a friend of mine who has many beliefs that differ from mine. I think it started when I encouraged a third person to explore how his father's physical abuse of him as a small child could be one reason why he is so hard on himself today.
Something about this comment triggered the first friend I mentioned to state contemptuously, that some kids he knew as a child who were beaten turned into the finest members of the community. I promptly asked him if he had been beaten as a child. He just as promptly denied it.
About a half-hour later, our disagreement escalated rapidly. He said that "black history month" is racist. I responded that "every month is white history month." He physically and verbally exploded. And I was physically frightened due to my own child abuse experienced during the civil rights movement. Other friends of ours sought to calm him down.
The final act of our disagreement was awful. We were gathering as a group of friends in a restaurant. He stated that black people shouldn't expect special treatment because of something that happened a hundred years ago. I pointed out that the Civil Rights Act ending Jim Crow was enacted only forty years ago. He said it was Democrats who were responsible for Jim Crow.
I stopped arguing at that point. I didn't say it, but I was familiar with historical writings that say that Democrats enacted the Civil Rights Act and many former supporters of Jim Crow left the Democratic Party en masse in the decades that followed the Civil Rights Act.
He continued through dinner saying things that blamed Democrats for many of the world's worst problems. I finally blew up and said I might not continue to meet with this group because of the things he said were hurtful to me. I paid my bill and walked out.
I agonized for many hours about this incident. I wanted to maintain a dialogue with this person, because I believe this is the peaceful way to resolve differences. My own emotions, however, were so painful that in that moment I could no longer tolerate his presence.
I still attend the group we mutually belong to, but I have backed off direct interaction with him until I can come to better terms with my own emotions.
When my vision is less clouded by mine owne fear and anger I may be better able to find the words to re-establish rapport with this person.
Thank you for the opportunity to discuss.
With compassion, Linda
This is a place where I also have the most trouble with lovingkindness practice. Racism and political/economic inequality and opression are so hard to address in our toxic culture. It seems that fear and anger motivate people more than love does (at least in the short term).
I can imagine being so compassionate that I can approach a person such as you describe by just asking questions (not confrontational ones - just "tell me more - why do you think/believe that?" Perhaps with enough space and compassionate attention something besides hateful talking points would emerge and a real conversation could happen. I've been able to do this in online comments in my newspaper once in awhile - but in person it is very difficult and scary.
Best wishes,
L.
I believe that the most difficult people in our lives can be the teachers who motivate us to try. When I encounter racism and political arrogance, I just tell the person that I don't agree. My mind instantly reaches for anger, for self-righteousness, and I am seduced for a few seconds. I remind myself of Ghandi's famous quote," Be the change you want to see". What do I want to see? A person with an open mind, so I must keep my mind open. It really does not matter at all if others practice racism and hatred. I can be the light that shines in the darrkness. My light will shine. On everyone. Wonderful discussion. Thanks. Priscilla
Thank you, Priscilla! I wrote that post two years ago and forgot about it.
I had lunch with that fellow just yesterday. We haven't discussed politics since that day two years ago. We are now cordial to one another and appear to have no lingering animosity.
I can see how much I have changed since then. I rarely now fear or have my anger triggered by other peoples political views.
My perspective is so much larger now that I can imagine how that person might have arrived at his ideas, by processes very similar to how I arrived at my own!
The more important goal to me now is to refrain from speaking or acting in anger. I believe the expression of anger itself is a more potent trigger for discord than a mere disagreement about ideas.
Is it enough too practice on your own with books and tapes or is it suggested to meditate with an instructor.
thank you anthony luzzi
If you live in a place where there is an instructor that can be a good thing. I believe we find out what we need to know from our own practice, as we sincerely persist in our efforts, but instructors can inspire us, and help us see where we might be out of balance (eg, trying too hard, not trying hard enough) quicker. if there isn't the possibility of an instructor, books and tapes can be a big help—in the end it all comes down to our own practice.
"in the end it all comes down to our own practice" - I could not agree more. Just like in yoga practice - regular practice/discipline (abhyasa) and a non-attachment to the fruits/results of that practice (vairagya) and being gentle with ourselves (ahimsa) are the key. And by regular I mean a daily practice, however short and whatever poses that may entail: if you stand in Mountain pose for a minute with alignment and breathing - that is your practice! Over time you'll get curious and your body will ask for more. It's up to us to stop and listen.
Even if we don't have a face-to-face teacher available, there are tons of mp3s of live classes/meditation sessions on the web available to help us through until we do get to see one, but the sitting is up to us, the excuses why we don't sit are also up to us. In the words of Erich Schiffmann, it's up to us to stop, pause and listen. No-one else can do the practice for us.
Hi
Practising on my own seems to work well for me; I prefer it that way. I have always preferred being on the outside looking in, but perhaps I am missing something special by not belonging to a sangha. I feel connected to The All through my daily contacts with the world and that's enough for me. :-)