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Coming Up Empty

Search for self called off after 38 years.

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Chicago—The longtime search for self, conducted by area man Andrew Speth was called off this week, the 38-year-old said Monday.

“I always thought that if I kept searching and exploring, I'd discover who I truly was,” said Speth from his Wrigleyville efficiency. “Well, I looked deep into the innermost recesses of my soul, I plumbed the depths of my subconscious, and you know what I found? An empty, windowless room the size of an aircraft hangar. From now on, if anybody needs me, I'll be sprawled out on this couch drinking black cherry soda and watching Law & Order like everybody else.”

“Fuck it,” he added.

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