Spirit Rock Meditation Center is dedicated to the teachings of the Buddha. We provide silent meditation retreats, as well as classes, trainings, and Dharma study.
Holiday Season Healing: Ask the Meditation Doctor with Brad Warner
It's no secret that the holiday season is a true test of your practice. There's no better time to see just how equanimous you've become, and whether you've really peeled away your conditioned behavior, than when you are engaging in the many frustrating activities that dominate the "jolliest" time of the year.
So now is the perfect time—when you really need your practice—to clear up any troubles or questions you might have. Is your meditation being disturbed by visions of kicking your in-laws out of the house? Can't concentrate on your mantra due to an eggnog hangover? (We're kidding about that.)
Zen monk Brad Warner will be answering any and all questions about your practice all month on tricycle.com. Please post them below.
Need inspiration? Read Brad Warner's tips and meditation advice in Tricycle here, here, here, and here.
For over a year now I am in a state of apathy. I lack ambition. My practice has been mostly consistent during this time, with at least one 20 or 30 minute sit each day and usually two, and I feel I have opened up and learned compassion for myself in this time. I have worked with accepting myself and whatever arises, including this state, and I feel mostly peaceful but also as if this stasis has gone on too long. I am a creative person, but lack interest even in my art. I feel I am holding in my heart both the pain of quiet longing and the grace of the peaceful warrior--which is poignant and lovely--but I need a job. Thank you.
I have a family member who is going through a tough time and in the past I have got disturbed when caring for that person. Recently, I have been able to retain my peace of mind when caring by focusing on my blessings. But once I am peaceful, I feel a sense of guilt that I have become in-different to the suffering of my loved one. Am I right in seeking to be peaceful when a loved one is going through difficulty?
Wow so many people have a lot on their minds. My question is about changing teachers. From a Buddhist perspective if the teacher is your main connection to realization and you feel that you will be able to progress faster with a different teacher than the one you started with how can one explain that to the first teacher? If the first teacher is not happy with your decision what is the best way to handle that situation.? Thank you for helping me with this confusion
The idea of "faster progress" is problematic. In a very real sense there isn't any such thing as progress and one doesn't necessarily always want to go faster with this stuff. It is often more useful to go slowly and not concern oneself with progress.
But your question is about changing teachers. Sometimes it's necessary to change teachers. When the reasons are dramatic, it's easy to leave (at least cognitively speaking). I think a lot of times people make things dramatic with their teachers just so it'll be cognitively simpler to leave them. This, of course, isn't really very good and people end up getting hurt. But it happens.
If your reasons for changing are not so dramatic and don't involve any outright rejection of your former teacher then it is simple good manners to tell the teacher you're leaving about your decision. If your teacher is any good, he (or she, but I'll stick with he for simplicity) should just say something like, "I'm sorry to see you go. Good luck."
But please understand that your teachers are people too. They have feelings and they even (shhhhh) form attachments to their students. It's hard when someone leaves. The teacher might feel like he has failed or done something wrong. So take care when telling your teacher something like this.
If your teacher tries to coerce you into staying against your own better judgement, by all means leave that teacher. If, on the other hand, he gives you clear and rational reasons he thinks you should stay, those may be worth listening to. But do what you feel best anyway.
A guy goes in and says," I've been reflecting a lot on the Eight Hells and it's causing me quite some concern". The teacher says" Well, quit reflecting on the hells and go polish a tile". da da dum. So anyhow Could you please explain the Dharma realms to me as if I'm five yrs. old?
My teacher used to always explain them as psychological states. You don't have to believe that there us a real Hell of Black Metal (I did not make that up!) out there somewhere. All of us have been to heavenly and hellish places in our psychological lives.
Me, I mostly just don't worry too much about Dharma realms. It's just an old-fashioned way of describing something people experience. If it doesn't work for you, then describe it other ways that do. These things aren't "out there" beyond our experience. We all know the Dharma realms that we have encountered.
And physical states: "You look like hell." "It's hot as hell." "Havin' a helluva good time."
Knowing you sit for 1 hour, could I be sitting too much? I do 30 in AM and 1 at night. No reason other than that's what I need to calm my mind most days. When i saw you sit for 20mins at night it made me wonder if maybe i'm overkilling a little. I don't get the chance to do many retreats though.
Your blog & books are a huge help for me. Anyone reading this should check out: http://hardcorezen.info
Just do however much works for you. I used to do 2 hours a day. Honestly, that was probably better for me than one. So I feel like kind of a lazy dharma bum these days!
It's only overkill if things start to get a little strange in your practice. Then it's OK to back off a little.
I am not a Buddhist. I’ve read Hardcore Zen and several other books about Buddhism and they seem to make sense to me. But then I try to meditate and my mind is full of bees and I just feel frustrated. I’m stressed out and angry all the time. It probably doesn’t help that I work for an animal protection organization and spend every day hearing about people who have set dogs on fire or Superglued cats’ tails to their eyes (I am not even kidding). So I meditate for several weeks or so and get frustrated and stop and then don’t meditate again for months. I’ve been doing this for years. So, I guess my question is: Do you have any advice for someone who’s having trouble just getting started on the path?
This is a question I get asked a lot, but with other details of course. Meditation is frustrating and difficult for everyone. That's why for thousands of years people have built gigantic statues and written books about people who simply just sat still for a long time. It's hard work!
My only advice is to just do it. Sit when you don't feel like sitting. Sit with those bees in your head and those awful images. Let them do what they need to do and after a while they go away. It's our wanting things to be different that's our biggest problem. Sitting is about acknowledging what actually is rather than about trying to establish a more desirable state.
Brad,
That's not entirely true. It may be true that in Soto they do not use mantras but in Rinzai and Sanbo-Kyodan Zen we definitely use mantras. The use of "Mu" or "Wu" koan can definitely be considered a mantra. This is discussed at some length in Phillip Kapleau's "Three Pillars of Zen".
craig
The holiday season comes heavy with Christian baggage, always an interesting time for the practicing Buddhist. What a great opportunity to deepen one's faith.
I would that were true. But alas, I think the heavy baggage is corporate: about the only culture that exists in North America.
It's the golden calf, only it's not about the calf or what the calf represents. It's the bling.
Hey Brad,
The hardest part for me about meditating during the holidays is finding time to do it around my family. I usually do it right when I wake up, but with family over, I tend to get up later instead of getting up before everyone else does. I get kind of embarrassed about them seeing me or knowing that I'm meditating. They haven't said anything about it, but it just feels weird (since I was raised Christian and they still are but I'm not). What should I do? Ignore the embarrassment? Talk to them about it? Ugh. That last one would be weird.
I used to deal with a similar situation. I lived in a punk rock house with several punk rock people. Meditating was definitely uncool. Hippies did that! Lucky for me, punk rock people always sleep as late as possible. So mornings worked very well.
Since then I've tried a number of things when faced with this dilemma. Sometimes I just sit right in the middle of things and try to enjoy the embarrassment. But usually I manage to find some space and time where I can do it in a concealed fashion.
I don't think it's necessary to tell your family if that's going to cause problems. If you have to skip a few days, that's not such a big deal. Or if you can only find a quiet safe spot for 5 minutes a day, try just doing those 5 minutes.
Brad,
In your most recent book Sex, Sin, and Zen; there is passage where you talk about the difference between feelings and emotions. You say something along the lines of, "Buddhism is about transcending emotions, feelings are okay but emotions are just feelings we attach to too deeply with." As a musician, I find certain emotions to inspire some of my songs, of course this kind of wistful romanticism can be dangerous, but also a useful catalyst. Perhaps not dwelling on, and thus solidifying the emotions makes sense-but how can art be made without at least an initial regard of the internal world? I always thought in order to create one has to at least know *something* about the self stories and emotional landscape. What do you think?
Thanks!
The word "emotion" is problematic for me. My teacher often talked about transcending emotions. And yet he was far from some kind of unfeeling robot. He definitely had feelings, cared deeply about people, even got angry sometimes.
I felt that when he used the word "emotion" he was trying to express something about the state when our feelings get too big, when we cling to them, when we conceive of them as OUR feelings and then believe we must act on them in certain specific ways.
Feelings, on the other hand, arise spontaneously and naturally. For example, being happy can occur naturally and spontaneously. But then we often want to hold on to it, or extend it, or try to make it last. Then it becomes something neurotic or even destructive.
I think art comes out of that natural state. It can also come out of the state of being too wound up in emotions. But that kind of art is usually cloying and sort of gross if you ask me.
Question sent to editorial@tricycle.com:
I have a daily meditation practice, but do nothing in the way of ceremony surrounding it -- just plunk, and I am on my cushion. I have often wondered whether reciting something (such as we do in a zendo) or lighting a candle would deepen the meditation experience in any way. What do you think? What do you do?
And: When might you ever come to Montreal again?
I don't do much ceremonial stuff myself when I'm just sitting alone. I bow once to my cushion and once away from it, then I sit. My teacher does this, but he also chants the robe verse and rings a bell to begin his sitting even when he's alone. I don't feel like ceremony is terribly important. But it helps. I used to light incense each time I sat and the smell of it got me in a nice mood.
As for Montreal, I would love to come again. I almost moved there I like the city so much! But right now I don't have any specific schedule to go.
Question sent to editorial@tricycle.com:
During the Christmas holiday, I will be spending a few days alone with my severely depressed mother (who is in denial and refuses to seek help). Her every sentence is negative and she says if she were to say something positive, it would not be true. Logic does not get through to her. She has many things to be thankful for, but she will not see them. Needless to say, I try hard to detach and to be compassionate. I can take her for several hours at a time but day after day, night after night, is brutal. She drags me down with her. Any tips to cope with her consistent negativity?
Wow. I can certainly sympathize with this question. My mother is very similar, with diagnosed depression, medication, etc. In Tibetan Buddhism, in the 7 Points of Mind Transformation (LoJong), one is advised to look at others (who are NOT being nice, lol) to view them as Buddhas who are training you (in your practice) to learn how to show that your thoughts and emotions are not truly "yours"; they arrive, seemingly, and they go, seemingly. You remain. Well, something does. See who that is. So, these people COULD (theoretically for your practice) be Buddhas who are helping you. Then you are, with each little success, thankful for your mom, just the way she is. (Ok, I have not got to that point. Yet. Working on it. Ha.) Other traditions probably have similar practices.
(Has your mom been to the doctor about it? Sometimes, it's hard to get the doc/psychx to diagnose it. Worth the effort; another type of practice, I guess.)
Good Luck, Paul
Oh boy! This is a tough one.
I would suggest that you don't try to change your mother. Allow her to be negative. But don't affirm her negativity. If she happens to say something even a tiny bit positive, pick up on that. But don't push it on her. If she turns it around and makes it negative again, just let it go.
Allow her to be who she is. Never give her anything she can fight against. Sometimes we say negative things just to establish our own position. If someone else tries to counter what we have just said, we retrench ourselves in our position. By trying to counter what she says with logic you end up giving her an opportunity to try and re-establish her position.
It's also OK to take a break from her. Find excuses to be alone for a time. It doesn't do her any good to have you be as depressed as she is.
Question sent to editorial@tricycle.com:
I'm not as compassionate or patient as I could be. I'm often selfish about little things, don't listen and act prideful. Often times, I snap easily on the ones who I love most.
How can I develop more compassion for others?
I know people who would sacrifice some of the things they love most in an instant, just to help others out. I want to be like that. I'm tired of hurting those around me, and hurting myself in the process, too.
Thanks for your time.
It's impossible to develop compassion other than by being compassionate, I think. It's not like you can do some kind of magic breathing exercise for 10 min a day and end up compassionate after a month.
If you want to build up your muscles, you use the muscles you want to build. If you want to become more compassionate, you just have to do compassionate things. If you see an opportunity to act in a compassionate way, don't hesitate, do it!
Be patient when you don't feel like being patient. If you find yourself wanting to snap at someone don't do it, even when you know you're right. Share what you don't want to share.
hey i do shamata meditation and have been for almost 2 years, recently i think i made some progress. when i have sat for quite a wile and are completely relaxed i get to a place where it feels like im almost fallen asleep, it is really peacfull, and when thoughts enter they are kind of dreamy.. so what you think:)
The idea of "progress" in meditation is a difficult notion. You can never really measure it. But all of us who meditate feel it happens.
Anyway, yeah, after you do it for a time, you do tend to end up in a place where thoughts are less rigid and more fluid and dreamlike.
and when the thoughts give you a break in that place is that samadhi?
My only meditation training was with TM way back in 1976. Since then, I've meditated at times with some consistency, and at times not at all for months at a time. I meditate because it helps me and because it is sometimes enjoyable. But sometimes, I wonder about doing it "wrong". Sometimes, I use the mantra that I was given nearly 40 years ago. It is useful for applying a more firm approach to my disordered mind, particularly at the beginning of a session. But when my thoughts quiet and my mind becomes more clear, my focus can shift to the breathing and being in the present. I do not live in a community where there is access to teachers, but I have found good information and support through the Tricycle community and the magazine. If I could ask questions, I would ask for what length of time should I sit? I am over 50 years of age, and I have undertaken a few longer sessions, but mainly aim for the 18 minutes that the TM teacher prescribed. Is there something wrong with what I am doing - meditating for the pleasure of the clarity and the tasting of the present? Where should I go from here, if anywhere at all?
Hi Megan,
I often get asked by people if they are doing their meditation "wrong"? But there are very few ways you can really get it wrong. The question usually boils down to a matter of what they call "comparing mind" over at the San Francisco Zen Center. Oh how I hate that term! But I have to admit it's useful.
If you compare what you're feeling now (in or out of meditation) with some idealized version of what you think you ought to be feeling there will always be a gap. Always. So forget about comparing. That's easier said than done. But practice with it and it will become a new habit.
As for how long to sit, I try to do one hour a day spread out over 2 sessions, usually 40 min in the morning and 20 in the evening. But if 18 min works for you, that's also fine. Meditating for pleasure sounds like one of the best reasons I've come across! You don't need to go anywhere. Just keep enjoying this very moment.
I teach that one should not have goals, because as Brad suggests, it becomes all about tomorrow. You become so caught up in thinking about that goal, you miss what is going on around you. You miss today. And today is all you have. Instead, I maintaint that we should have directions. Ok it is only semantics, but it is another way of looking at the same thing. (Like a table is for us an item to set things on, but for a termite, it's food. The table didn't change. The perception did.) Direction makes one think of the path one is on. It makes you think about today, and what you are doing today to get you where you want to go. It is all about now. If you are going in the right direction, you will reach that "goal." You don't need to think about it; you will end up there. And if along the way, you want to change directions. That's great. No tormenting yourself over not reaching your goal. You just do it. If you want to spend less money, than do that today. If you want to change the world, what are you doing about that today. It is not about tomorrow--it is all about today.
Dear Brad
8 years ago i hit a bottom and started praying (Lam Rim) and meditating every day for 6 years, at the 6 year make found out at 59 I was bipolar and put on lithum and the last 2 years haven't been able to set daily, any thoughts?
I'm not sure what Lam Rim is. But I sometimes wonder what people mean by the word "praying." If it means petitioning God or some other supernatural being to intervene in the world in your favor, it could be a problem. But I would guess that's not what you mean.
I'm also not sure what sort of effect the lithium is having that makes you unable to sit daily. Most of the time when someone says they're unable to sit, what it really means is that the sitting they do doesn't feel the way they think it should.
The Zen answer to most questions about difficult or impossible sitting is, "Sit with that." So I would suggest that you try sitting anyway, even when it's impossible to do so.
I am a very experienced practioner of this type of thinking, Brad, and thanks for calling me out on it! Gets me nothing.....but not in a "good"-nothing sense. ;-)
In light of today's Daily Dharma (about letting go of all goals) I am wondering if I should drop my idea of setting a New Year's resolution to cut back on spending money on unnecessary things. It seems like a worthy "goal" right?
I agree with the two answers already given.
But I also think there can be value to making some kind of vow. For example, in Zen we do a ceremony called "jukai" in which one vows to uphold the ten precepts. You may fail sometimes to uphold the precepts. But taking avow to do so is still worthwhile.
So if a New Year's Resolution helps, then make one!
I think our lives are spacious enough to contain both goal-pursuit and no-goals. They may occur at different times in our lives, or simultaneously but in different areas.
For example, we could have a goal to contribute to our communities by earning a living, while at the same time harboring no other expectations of reward from our job other than our wages.
I like the idea of cultivating both skills, of knowing how to use both goals and no-goals to further the larger purpose of compassionate interaction with the sentient beings with whom we share our lives.
Compassionate interaction can itself be viewed as a goal or a natural expression of human goodness. I can see it both ways.
You don't need a New Year's resolution to cut back spending money on unnecessary things. Don't spend money on unnecessary things, no resolution needed. Just do it, starting and ending now.
Exactly! thank you for clearing that up for me.
Your resolution is sound. I would question the Daily Dharma.
.
Today is my husband's 50th birthday and I love him deeply, but he is stuck and will not move forward with his life. He decided to take action by buying a jig saw puzzle and working on that all day. I am broken hearted that the beautiful brilliant man I married is so withdrawn from this wonderful world we inhabit. This resentment has taken over my meditation is not making our lives better.
I sometimes work on a paint by number painting. Just a nice quiet activity that can settle and quiet my mind and is quite enjoyable.
The standard Zen teacher type cliché answer to this would be to say, "sit with your resentment." Don't try to stop being resentful. Just sit and allow the resentment to be what it actually is. Try to feel it fully and completely. Then you might find out what it really is.
It's hard when someone you love behaves in ways you can't comprehend. But maybe the jigsaw puzzle is just his way of working through whatever it is he needs to work through. Often focusing on a task will help bring a person back to reality. It might be his only way into something like a meditative state. Maybe give it a little time and see what happens.
I can imagine the heartache you are now feeling. You will most likely get much wise advice. From my own experience, this is what I would suggest:
Focus your meditation on accepting this current situation, sending yourself love and compassion. Things will surely change one way or another, and by providing yourself with the full support you need, you will minimize the potential for escalation. Pema Chodron offers much excellent support in this area.
Thich Nhat Hanh suggests asking our nearest and dearest, "How can I love you better?" If you provide you husband with what he requests, you reduce pressure on him and provide him with the optimal climate to evolve in the direction he feels he needs to evolve.
I hope this helps.
My meditation is disturbed by thinking about all the tasks I think I need to do for the holidays. Shopping, cards, decorating, etc. plus work and meditation make for a busy schedule. How can i decide what things are the most important without feeling guilty about not doing the other things?
My teacher always used to say that whenever you need to make a decision, the correct choice appears instantly. But our thoughts crop up a fraction of a second later and make everything confused again.
I would say just sit and allow all that disturbance to be what it is. Don't try to make it stop. Just let it do what it needs to do. Don't try to be less disturbed. But also don't stir those disturbed thoughts up. Or if you do find yourself stirring them, just stop stirring.
You can never do everything. So just do what you can do.
Yes, my meditation is being disturbed by thoughts. I don't use a mantra. Could that be a reason? I don't know how to get a mantra. Could you guide be in that, please? Thank you!
I'm a Zen teacher and in Zen we don't use mantras. We just allow our minds to be as they are and quietly observe. When you say your meditation is disturbed by thoughts, it just means that it's not what you think it ought to be. Instead of worrying about that, just see what your meditation actually is. Sit quietly with your disturbed meditation.
If you can't stand doing that, just watch the rising and falling of your breath. Let the thoughts whirl around as much as they like and pay attention only to your breathing.