The Myth of the Experienced Meditator
After thirty years of practice, one meditator finds it's gotten him nowhere. That's just fine with him.
I tell Kyodo Roshi I want to take my practice to a deeper level. "Deeper level?" He laughs again. "What do you mean, 'deeper'? Zen practice only one level. No deep, understand?"
I AM, UNFORTUNATELY, an experienced meditator. From the time I stumbled into an introduction to Transcendental Meditation in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, in 1970, through multiple eras (including my present fifteen-year-old Soto Zen practice), I've sat and stared at many walls (and mandalas and candles, and the inside of my eyelids) reveled in sundry bells-and-whistles mental experiences, gotten bored, decided I was going crazy, become enlightened (no, really!), and now I'm ready to share everything I've learned. It won't take long. In fact I can sum it up in one word: nothing.
Not that "nothing" is to be sniffed at. For years—decades!—I thought there was something to learn, and that all those thousands of hours on the mat were cumulative, that the more I sat, the more aware and compassionate and wonderful I would become. In a world where the attainment of goals is seen as a virtue, thirty-eight years of realizing nothing didn't come easily or lightly.
By definition (mine), if I did think I knew something about meditation, that wouldn't be meditation. Sort of like God—if you can describe God to me, that ain't God. If, as I believe, meditation is simply awareness, then any past knowledge I have about it is not only useless, but slops over into my immediate experience. Knowing is antithetical to openness, and it's the adventure of not knowing that's the genius of meditation. Not for nothing (so to speak) are two of the most popular contemporary books on Buddhism called Beginner's Mind (Shunryu Suzuki) and Only Don't Know (Seung Sahn). I have this fantasy that next time I open my copies of these books, I'll find only blank pages.
So what is meditation about? I've heard many claims for the practice over the years, that it's about: gratitude; emptiness; deepened, (or if you prefer) heightened, awareness; compassion; spaciousness; the discovery/realization/dissolving of one's true self (your choice); attaining liberation; self-realization; being present in the moment; opening to the wonder of it all; finding inner peace; encountering one's Buddha nature; becoming one with everything; cutting through delusion; fill in the blank.
It seems to me, though, that meditation isn't about anything: meditation is meditation. Any attempt to define it in terms of something else simply confuses the issue, making it vulnerable to being treated like any other self-improvement system. Lord knows, these days we are offered enough ways to be better people, get closer to God, find ourselves, and enhance our circumstances. We're swamped with therapies, self-help books, and techniques—what musician and activist Bob Geldof called "the thriving economy of psychotherapists, designer religions, and spiritual boutiques"—which treat our lives as projects to be tweaked and fixed. Isn't meditation (if it's anything at all) a relief from all this? Isn't it the opposite of repairing and adjusting and striving and perpetually wanting things to be different?
For me, meditation is a haven away from the ubiquitous world of self-improvement. It's not just that there's no such thing as "bad" meditation, but there's no such thing as "good" meditation either. It is what it is. So when I hear words like "effort" and "discipline" and phrases like "deepening one's practice" and "advancing along the spiritual path" spoken in the same breath as the word "meditation," I wince. Just sitting (shikantaza)—doing and wanting nothing, breath coming and going unbidden, eyes seeing, ears hearing—in this effortless state, thoughts flurry like falling leaves.
So can a so-called experienced meditator offer anything to someone new to the practice? Probably not. If what we're really talking about is awareness, how can we help someone notice what's going on? This is what's going on: no more, no less. Unlike a subject like, say, carpentry, where we learn from the experience of those who have gone before us, meditation is defined by spontaneity, by not knowing. As the Roshi says, "practice only one level." Perhaps the best we can do is to reassure newcomers that each of us starts over with every sitting and every breath.
Trust me. I'm an experienced meditator.
Barry Evans is a member of the Arcata (California) Zen Group and also sits with Akira Kasai, in Guanajuato, Mexico. He isn't quite sure why he meditates, but he does anyway.
image: © R. Taylor L.M.P.A.
Comments
Ridiculous
There is no excuse for this intellectual laziness.
The Buddha gave meditation instructions several times in the Pali Canon; they are available free online.
If you have gained nothing in 30 years, maybe it is time to look at another system.
The Myth of the experienced meditator
jennifercj
I loved your article! I especially liked the ending which was a beginning for me. "each of us starts over with every sitting and every breath" I am a newcomer and I feel that I always will be. I did not realize until reading your article that I WAS looking at meditation as a self-help mode. I wanted to learn compassion , how to relax, how to not feel fear, how to slow my life down, how not to be afraid of death,etc, Meditation does something but I cannot put it into words and it certainly did not do any of the above. But to say it does nothing is also not correct. It does do a lot of something. What that something is ,I have no idea but it does it. One gets terribly bogged down with words and definitions. Meditation is not cognitive. It is different that words, for me at least. Anyway, thank you so much for writing this article. Jennifer Jameson
jennifercj
Meditation
Thank you for this honest approach to meditation. Meditation has always been a confusing exercise to me. I have never been able to understand how a person's mind can just go "blank." casino online
The myth of the experienced meditator
This is the kind of talk that could scare away potential meditators. A lot of folks are looking for precisely that which Evans says they "shouldn't" look for: compassion, relaxation, stress relief. So what? Who is to say one should or shouldn't look for something (or nothing) in meditation? The goals and wishes that some folks start out with can change over time. This piece is too preachy and holier-than-thou for my taste.
Points well taken. However,
Points well taken. However, the Buddha, according to the Pali Canon, did actually intend for certain states to be cultivated and others to be abandoned. He never used the word "meditation" but "bhavana" which means something like cultivation. There is actually a goal and progress. But again, this depends on one's frame of reference -- which tradition one is coming from.
Author's response
<!-- /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} -->
Good grief, I didn’t realize people would still be reading this piece! It was published in the Spring 2008 issue of Tricycle. Thank you, responders. I’m happy to have created some discussion.
Responding to a couple of comments:
“If you have gained nothing in 30 years, maybe it is time to look at another system.” The Heart Sutra says it best, I think: no path...nothing to attain. I’ve spent most of my life (I’m 67) wanting something else, thinking there was something to be gained. The relief of (mostly!) abandoning that idea of “gain” has been such a liberation after so many years of self-criticism, wanting things to be different.
To quote Lawrence Shainberg again, “...things will never be different from this moment. Nothing will change. The sound of my mind won't change, my ignorance, my pride, my confusion won't change, impermanence won't change, even the hope that all of this will change won't change.”
“A lot of folks are looking for precisely that which Evans says they "shouldn't" look for: compassion, relaxation, stress relief.” Of course! I forget now, but I certainly had high expectations when I started out. I certainly didn’t (and don’t) say folks shouldn’t look for compassion, etc. What’s true is this: when I was giving meditation instruction, along with several others, we reckoned that fewer than 20% of newcomers came back to give it a second try. Now I think meditation is a great practice—the world would be a vastly better place if many more people practiced. But the fact that so many people are turned off by one session of it may say that we’re creating unrealistic expectations. (At the jail where I lead groups, and where most people there are first-timers to meditation, I simply say, “It’s an adventure. Give it a try, see what happens.” I’m very cautious about claiming benefits for the practice. The result is that many of them do return.)
“Preachy...” Oh dear, I thought the whole point of the piece was that I, nor anyone, had anything to offer! Sorry if I offended this writer.
Deep gassho to all.
ahhh...
just reading it created relief. a really lovely pointer. thank you, barry.
A relief indeed
Just speaking for myself, compassion, relaxation, stress relief - all these increased with just sitting (standing, walking lying). I even wouldn't want to argue whether such qualities are inherent to the mind or whether practice creates them.
Thanks Barry.
The Myth of the Experienced Meditator
I'm afraid this Experienced Meditator has not practised the right meditation technique, which has got him nowhere. .
A meditator must know that there are thousands of techniques in meditation and a technique which is effective for one person may n ot necessarily be good for another. Much depends on the temperament of the aspirant meditator.
In order to arrive somewhere, meditation should be practised under the guidance of a qualified Guru. By 'qualified' I do not mean academic qualification, but one who has achieved Nirvikalpa Samadhi through meditation and who is willing to impart his experiences.
Where to find him? I was fortunate enough to practice under the guidance of an enlightened master for a number of years and though I have not achieved samadhi yet, I can firmly say that I am on the right path. If anyone is interested, he may be cast a glance at www.globalmindtransformation.org.
Fantastic
Thank you, Barry. It certainly helps this newcomer to see something put forward in such a straightforward manner.
I smiled at all of the attempts at starting a row by others in this comment section, especially since what we all somewhat agree on is to turn away from the dualism of "what is good" and "what is bad". And, especially since everyone is trying to start a row about something (meditation) that we'd all agree leads to nothing (Nirvana, elightenment, what not)! Pretty funny arguement, yes?
Chris