March 31, 2011

The Mirror of Difficult Relationships

Pamela Gayle White, from Week 4 of the ongoing Tricycle Retreat, "Letting Go" that she is leading along with Khedrub Zangmo,

Something that has been very helpful for me is trying to understand just how subjective my own interpretation of sticky situations and difficult relationships can be. I have a story to illustrate this.

Once, during my first retreat with a group of people, there was a woman in our retreat center that most of the rest of us found irritating. We didn't want to be irritated by her, for we were all trying to be good Buddhists, budding bodhisattvas. It bothered us that she was pushing our buttons continuously because that's not how we saw ourselves—as ordinary neurotic people.

Of course, we talked about it, about her, as people do. Then one day four of us got together in one of the girls rooms and decided that each of us was going to write down what exactly it was about this woman, Therese, that bothered us so very much. We each got a piece of paper and a pen and were very happy to have a little project to work on. This was at lunch time so we weren't breaking any retreat rules. We all sat down and wrote our pieces and then compared them. The result was a revelation.

One of the girls, who couldn't throw anything away, said "Therese, she's just such a packrat! She's got this thing about grasping where she just can't let go. It bothers me, I find it so irritating." Then, the oldest among us had written, "Therese is just so old. She really doesn't catch on very fast." It was clearly about her own fears of getting older. Then the next of us shared that she had written "Therese, y'know, she just isn't very swift." This was the person who was having the hardest time learning the practices. Then, the fourth person, me, who has long been working with my natural tendency of being quite irritable, had written, "She's just so irritable! There's always this anger in her that is just waiting to flare up!"

We looked at each other and could see the problem wasn't Therese at all. It was such a lesson.

Retreat isn't just about practice, it's also about these fabulous lessons that we learn about ourselves and others. Therese was a mirror that taught all of us. She taught me to ask, whenever I am having a difficult experience with someone, "what it is in me that can't stand the mirror?"

*names were changed to protect the innocent

 

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TomGarner's picture

Nice story! I've read several Sigmund Freud's books and info on Wikipedia describing such an activity called psychological projection, which is a psychological defence mechanism: a person basicly denies their own character traits and qualities and gets irritated noticing those in someone else. Letting go such complexes and one's own assumed shortcomings can significantly ease one's life and solve communication problems.

btw I downloaded the clip using the program which allows to download YouTube video.

sharmila2's picture

I love the last line "what is it in me that can't stand the mirror?". I will incorporate that one into my practice.
Thank you
Sharmila