HAVE YOU EVER gossiped about someone, then regretted it for years, unable to apologize because you lost touch with the person? That’s me. So Rosie Knox, wherever you are, I apologize for all the horrible things I said about you in sixth grade. And while I’m at it, I apologize to all the hundreds if not thousands of people I’ve hurt with selfish speech. And I apologize to myself for filling my mind with nasty thoughts and creating the karmic causes to be the object of others’ gossip in the future. Where did I ever get the idea that gossip would make me happy?

Gossip has many allures; otherwise we wouldn’t enjoy doing it. It has entertainment value, and anyone can participate. But what exactly is it that makes us tingle with excitement when using wrong speech? Do we think we’ll shine brighter by exposing another’s faults? Or that we’ll bond with others through maligning a common outsider? Or will we be empowered, especially if we feel oppressed by someone in authority? These so-called advantages of unskillful speech need to be investigated further.

Gossip can mean many things, from benignly shared information about someone not present to false rumors insidiously spread, to idle chitchat about someone’s personal life. The question to ask is: What is our motivation when we talk about others? From a Buddhist perspective, the value of our speech depends principally upon the motivation behind it.

When talking about others is motivated by thoughts of ill will, jealousy, or attachment, conversations turn into gossip. These thoughts may seem to be subconscious, but if we pay close attention to our mind we’ll be able to catch them in the act. Many of these are thoughts that we don’t want to acknowledge to ourselves, let alone to others, but my experience is that when I become courageous enough to notice and admit them, I’m on my way to letting them go. Also, there’s a certain humor to the illogical way that these negative thoughts purport to bring us happiness. Learning to laugh at our wrong ways of thinking can be therapeutic.

LET’S INVESTIGATE to see if we’ve had any of these thoughts. By unearthing them, we can check if they’re accurate or not. Do any of these examples sound familiar?

• “I’m so angry! I can’t believe that Gloria promised to help me on this project and then called today with some limp excuse for why she couldn’t come. Wait until I tell my friends about Gloria’s latest act of rudeness!” Armed with this assumption, we can talk for hours about all the awful things Gloria has done. We’re acting on the belief that venting our negative emotions and stirring others up will resolve our frustration with Gloria. Is that true? Often we have a problem with one person, but instead of working it out with her, we unload our negative feelings on our friends. If they side with us—and they should because, after all, that’s why they’re our friends—then we can sit back and feel like a victim, blaming Gloria for the bad feelings between us. Strange how ego finds making ourselves into a victim so comforting. If we can’t communicate directly with that person—maybe she’s a superior—why spend energy maligning her? Rather, why not turn our attention to doing something to improve our situation?
• “Larry is such a jerk, and everyone agrees. I’d never act like he does.” Motivated by the thought “If he’s so bad, I’m so good,” we’ll go on and on about how unfair the world is that such a jerk gets the good opportunities, while we, who embody unrecognized talent, are ignored. How does complaining make us feel better? How odd it is to attempt to prop up our esteem by badmouthing others.
• “I’m going to tell the managers that Stella only offered to take on the job because she’ll have her assistant do all the work while she gets the raise. Maybe if they know this, they’ll consider me for the job instead. ” Jealousy is often the motivating factor when we use our speech to create factions at the workplace. There’s never a dull moment when our envious mind is out to get someone, dethroning her and installing ourselves in her place. Are we successful in getting the positive recognition we seek when we create dirty politics and stir up discord in our workplace?
• “I’ll just tell everyone that Pat made the mess of our little do-it-yourself remodeling project. Then I won’t have to accept responsibility for how I botched up.” Bringing people together by sharing a condescending attitude is a strange way to bond with others. Do we feel good about ourselves when we do this
• “Ted really hurt my feelings after how much I trusted him. I’m going to get even by telling his secrets to others. Then he’ll have a taste of his own medicine!” How can intentionally harming another living being make us feel better? Instead, it usually results in our losing our self-respect.

On first hearing, the above examples may seem a bit crude. “Who, me? I wouldn’t speak like that!” ego innocently purrs. Or if we do recognize those negative habits of speech, our mind says, “That’s because everyone else talks like that.” But if we look inside ourselves with the searchlight of a sincere wish to become a better person for our own and others’ benefit, we will locate our own less-than-likeable motivations. When have we had those motivations? When have we gossiped about others? Initially, this kind of internal research may be extremely uncomfortable. After all, who likes to admit their faults? It’s much more interesting to address others’ defects. But that is precisely the point: what is it we’re avoiding by looking outward instead of inward? What are we achieving by holding up a magnifying glass instead of looking in a mirror? By ignoring, rationalizing, denying, and justifying our nasty motivations and unkind behavior we feel worse in the long run, not better. A tremendous sense of relief comes when we can be honest about what we’re thinking, feeling, saying, and doing. We take responsibility for our actions without feeling guilty about them because we don’t attach a big-ego “I” to them as in “I’m such a bad gossip.” By admitting our mistakes without exaggerating them, we’ll begin to clean them up. We’ll feel better about ourselves; and because our behavior toward others will change, their responses to us will transform as well.

HOW DO WE BEGIN to notice these motivations? This is where daily meditation practice is essential. Some quiet time alone each day to review our thoughts, feelings, words, and deeds is essential for a healthy lifestyle. For example, when we wake up, we generate our motivation for the day: “Today, as much as possible, I won’t harm anyone verbally or physically or even with my thoughts. As much as possible, I will help others in whatever big or small way presents itself. And I’ll keep the long-term motivation of becoming enlightened for the benefit of all beings in my heart.” Starting the day with a conscious intention like this transforms all our interactions during the day. In the evening, we again sit quietly and evaluate our day: “How did living according to my motivation go?” When we see shortcomings, we apply one of the Buddha’s teachings to transform our motivations and actions. We rejoice at the thoughts, words, and deeds that kept true to our morning motivation.

Doing a silent retreat each year makes it easier to notice all the impulses we have to speak. Then we can investigate—“Why did I want to say that?”—and increase our awareness of habitual mental and verbal patterns. Also, a time of sustained intensive meditation helps us practice re-forming our motivations, emotions, and thoughts.

Clearly seeing the disadvantages of any harmful action halts the mind that wants to engage in it. For example, consider how gossiping hurts others’ feelings and causes dissension among people. When others discover that we’ve been gossiping about them—and they usually do—they may defend themselves or retaliate, causing us further problems. Even if they don’t react, they cease trusting us. And we all know that trust takes time to reestablish.

The disagreeable effect on others notwithstanding, how do we feel about ourselves when we gossip? Depending on the situation, we may initially feel that a weight has been lifted from us, that we have been vindicated, or at least that we’ve covered our rear end. But those feelings are false and ephemeral, for if we are sensitive to what is going on inside of us, we realize that we don’t feel good about ourselves. If we speak in this way repeatedly, we usually wind up with a bad case of low self-esteem. I’m a firm believer that our self-esteem is related to our ethical behavior. In other words, the first casualty of our speaking or acting with a harmful motivation is ourselves.